I had two minutes to find a bathroom. I didn’t have a find-a-pottybecause I couldn’t preplan these events, and preparing for them ― even thinking about them ― sometimes made me need to go. In these moments, I also didn’t have time for apps, and in this situation, here in Millbrae, California, I already knew where the closest restroom was: in the nearby Trader Joe’s. Sitting in my car, I feared I didn’t have time to walk across the parking lot and down a hundred feet to the market’s front door. I couldn’t see the storefront from my car. Had a line formed? I’d often seen one outside the store during the . And I’d misplaced my “ ” card to show people in a queue or place of business. Why had I not replaced it?
I’d never been inside Trader Joe’s. If the bathroom’s location was not immediately apparent, I might need to accost a roaming employee to ask where it was and whether a key was required. Or I’d proceed to thedesk, where I might need to clear my throat repeatedly or blurt out, “Excuse me, where is the bathroom?” to command attention. Or, most precariously, if I found myself fifth in line at the desk, I might have to strain to contain my diarrhea by taking deep, allegedly calming breaths and visualizing it is retreating into my colon, all while pretending that nothing was amiss inside my body.
I ditched the Trader Joe’s option.
There are times when life asks us to think on our feet.. I scanned my surroundings and noted the bushes bordering the parking lot. There was no time to assess if anyone might see me from the windows of a nearby building. I dove behind a bush and did my business.
Bathroom access is a challenge in America, particularly during. Restroom apps are “hit or miss,” according to Tim Pyle, executive director of the American Restroom Association. The ARA website lists affected by “restroom duress.” In , Nicholas Kristof recently noted that people experiencing homelessness have to confront that problem 24/7. In contrast, taxi drivers, tourists, delivery people, and others out for the day must stay on the lookout. Likewise, parents on outings with small children. “And what about people with medical conditions that require more frequent urination or defecation?” Kristof asked.
In addition to the millions of Americans who experience medically caused urinary incontinence, 25 to 50 million people deal with, , and , all of which can cause diarrhea — as can , prescription and nonprescription meds, and intestinal infections, as well as . The list goes on and on. And if you consider caffeine overloads and foods that don’t agree with people, this is clear: Pandemic or not, there is a lot of diarrhea going on in public at any given time. Yet, people often avoid the topic, myself included.
Since the Nixon administration, I’ve had the runs on and off, and I have rarely mentioned my situation to anyone, including those closest to me. Only my doctors knew about my episodes, and sometimes I’d even spared them the details for decades.
barged into my life on an end-of-summer family vacation before I started high school. I threw up on my oldest brother’s lap in the back . We thought I was just car sick. Then I vomited some more, often at night, in the trash can that my brother set up between our motel room beds.
That’s how I was first separated from the healthy. Who knew barfing on your brother could mark the line in one’s sand? Crohn’s, a type of IBD now, caused me to have anemia, bowel obstructions, fatigue, fevers, fistulas, infections, pain, vomiting, weight loss, and loose stools. Multiple bowel resections also resulted in my ingested food down my pike. And no, per my doctors, I couldn’t take Imodium for to treat my noninfectious, incurable, and often debilitating illness.
At 14, I quickly learned that the people around me didn’t want to discuss a “bathroom disease.” So I didn’t talk about it. During first-period Introductory Physical Science, I constantly raised my hand to ask to be excused. I went down that long high school corridor to the restroom on a razor’s edge, petrified I’d get sick in front of my peers.
I didn’t talk about it in college. One night on campus, with no loo in close range, I had no option but to sit cross-legged between a sidewalk and a patch of ivy, cover my midsection with my backpack, and empty my bowels in the briar. I exchanged pleasantries with fellowas they strolled by. Out of necessity, I later told my roommate what had happened, then swore her to secrecy.
I didn’t talk about it during my heavy-lifting mom years. More than once, I peeled off Highway 101, screeched into a McDonald’s parking lot, and got three kids out of the car with strollers and diaper bags and toddler meltdowns in the mix, shouting, “I have to get to the bathroom,” and the four of us somehow miraculously landing there.
Abeach. Cornfields in Nebraska. Bergdorf Goodman. From sea to shining sea, plus a whole lot in between. Sometimes I didn’t make it, which was the most humiliating time. Like when I walked with my husband in our neighborhood during shelter-in-place . Or when I found myself in that parking lot next to that unfamiliar Trader Joe’s. Then there were the times I didn’t even make it to a bush. When that happened, all I could hope was that I wasn’t too far from home or had a change of clothes.
Along the way, I encountered the kindness of strangers. Or maybe those strangers had experienced similar bowel issues, at least occasionally..
I used to ask, “Might I use your restroom?” while hoping my desperate look accurately conveyed my urgency. Eventually, I began to add “I have an intestinal disease” to my bathroom requests. The more specific the words I used, the more people seemed to understand.
One June day a few years ago, I had just arrived invia train from Washington, D.C., feeling a bit rough around the edges after attending a reception the night before. The clarion call sounded. I hauled into the nearest Duane Reade, latched on to a kind-looking employee who seemed to have time to spare, and spilled my updated elevator pitch. The clarion call sounded as I stood outside Penn Station and got my bearings.
I couldn’t use a bathroom in the store, but she offered to watch my suitcase. The two of us hoisted it up and jammed it behind the counter, a twosome bound by one mission. “Now run across the street and into that McDonald’s,” she said, pointing and explaining exactly where I would find the restroom. Her quick thinking saved me that day, and I was beyond grateful for her kindness.
Earlier this, I took another step toward having open, honest, and genuine encounters. One evening, near my home in , I stepped into a Walgreens. While chasing surplus there the week before, I’d asked to use the restroom, only to be told it was closed. So, with my investigative journalism hat on, I returned for a bathroom-access update. I named my disability — and even talked about details.
I asked for the store manager, curious about what the. “Yes, the bathrooms are still closed,” she informed me. “I was in here last week,” I explained. “I have Crohn’s disease. The bathrooms were closed then, too, and sometimes I can’t hold it.” She could have responded TMI or Ew, gross! Crossing her arms over her eyes to shield herself. Instead, her unshielded eyes met mine from above her mask with grace and compassion.
“You could have asked for me and explained your medical condition,” she said. “I get it. I’m undergoing chemo, and sometimes I can’t hold it either.” “I’m so sorry,” I replied, wanting to acknowledge the weight of her revelation. Then, for a snatch of minutes, we just talked. It felt so refreshing, standing together, masks on, pretenses off.
Trust me, writing and publishing this piece on an international website isn’t my idea of a good time. Yet, I’ve learned that when put right, words defrock shaming. Post-Walgreens, I recalled all the times I hadn’t spoken up and yearned for words I couldn’t form. All that silence — it had veiled, rejected, and invalidated my experiences.
It’s not easy talking or writing about diarrhea, especially when it’s your own. There is a lot of shame tied up in having a bathroom condition we rarely discuss openly. Trust me, writing and publishing this piece on an international website isn’t my idea of a good time.
Yet, I’ve learned that when put right, words defrock shaming. They are silence’s comeuppance. And I’ve had decades’ worth of words saved up, a stockpile that wouldn’t stop clamoring to be written.
The more we talk about all this, the less embarrassing, “disgusting,” or scary it’ll be. If we remember, we’re all human beings; we can reach across aisles, whether in Walgreens or Washington. That’s when real change can happen — offering more assistance and understanding to one another, integrating better restroom planning into architectural design, and providing the funding for plenty of clean, available, and accessible public restrooms.
Having diarrhea is difficult. Having diarrhea and having no place to go is even worse. So let’s talk about it, destigmatize it and treat people more kindly. Let’s make going to the bathroom — and finding toilets — more straightforward and better for everyone.
Alison Carpenter Davis, a former managing editor at Outside magazine, has written for the Chicago Tribune, The Independent (U.K.), the, and . She co-founded the and is working on a memoir, “Gutsy.” For more from her, head to and her . Do you have a compelling you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for , and !